Saturday, April 02, 2005

WE want to help YOU

Since we have our own lives figoored out really well, and we notice a lot of yumoos don't have their lives figoored out so well, we've decided to help. Plus Jim hid his 'Merican 'Spress Card really good this time, and we're running low on Caaaandy. So if you have any prooblooms, or anythoo you want advoo on, just post it here and we will tell you what to do. If you want a particuloo Bear's advoo, just let us know. Otherwoo, whichoovoo of us is most hungry...

*much nudging of Stompy by other Bears*

Uh... as I was saying, whichoovoo of us we feel has the most to contriboo on that particuloo issoo will respoond.

*more nudging of Stompy by other Bears*

Our fee is one piece of caaaandy per consooltation.

*more nudging of Stompy by other Bears*

We promise not to help the grrr unless she asks, becoo we know that pisses her off.

Well, unless she asks, or the rafs hire us to help her anywoo. We'll help anyone for Caaaandy, whether they want it or not.

OK Bye
Stompy

16 people left us caaaandy:

Blogger ickUl said...

Neyo! I nominates the Grr for helpenisatioo! Her needs lots o help. Like her have lost hers Sasami, her keeps bein not pregnoo when peopoo asks her (mayboo her needs advice on how to be pregnoo?), her have that stoopeed British accoo. Her needs helpin ooright!

So I is askin yoo to help her as much as yoo can, oo the time, one piece o caaaandy per helpins. An mayboo not piss her off, just be annoyin.

8:43 PM  
Blogger The Bears said...

Neyo ickUl. Since the Grr needs so much help, we have our whole team of helping professionoos working on it.

First, the proobloom that her lost her Sasami. We don't know what that means. But we give advice anywoo. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. Good advice, even if it doesn't help her find her Sasami.

Second, the probloom that her keeps bein not pregnoo when peopoo ask her. We asked Daphne Rose, because she likes men but not childroons, so she have lots of experience. Daphne Rose, what would you say to the Grr?

Daphne Rose: When peopoo ask if you are pregnoo, say you are. That satisfoos them for 6 months or so, until they start wonderoo why you aren't showing. After about 6 months, when they ask, burst out crying and run into the bathroo. Makes them go awoo. Anothoo thing you can try, is when they ask, lean in real close to them, like you are sharoo a secroo. And say, "Yes, I don't know what to do. Mr. 'Eaf and I kiss every night, and I'm still not pregnoo." And then when they ask more questoo about what else Mr. 'Eaf and you do, pretoond you have no idea what more there could be. Start askoo them what else they do with their husboo. They'll either go awoo, or they'll tell you about sex, at which point you can just keep screaming, "What?!? What?!? What kind of horriboo painted lady would do such a thing?" One other thing you can do is tell them you have tubal litigation--that means your uterus is involved in a court case, and you are under a gag order not to talk about it, and there is restrainoo order that says you can't have babies until the court case is solved.

Thanks, Daphne Rose. Third, proobloom, maybe she needs advice on how to get pregnoo. Daphne Rose?

Daphne Rose: Don't get pregnoo.

OK, thanks again. And her fourth proobloom, her have stoopeed British accoo. We asked linguistic expert Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky. What would you say to the Grr?

Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky: There are a couple things you can try. One thing you can do, is whenever anyone mentions your accent, ask them who told them you were from Britoo. Keep insistoo that you've tootally gotten rid of your accent, you know you did becoo Mr. 'Eaf and all your friends tell you you don't have an accent. Pretty soon they stop askoo and leave you aloo. Anothoo thing you can do is this. There is an island off the coast of one of the Carolinas where people speak English with an older accent, some scholoos think like they spoke Engloo in Britoo centuroos agoo. Make up something like that. When they ask about your accent, tell them you are from the MooSA, from an island off the coast of Moossoossooppoo, which your ancestoos settled in the 1500's. And becoo of the isolatoo, the peopoo of the island develooo different accents than the rest of the MooSA. Then start telloo them in painstakoo detoo about all your ancestoos from those first settloos down to the present day. Give you chance to practoo you storytelloo skills. They go awoo before you hit the 1700's.

Thank you, Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky. Since you asked for as much help as we can, ickUl, we'll think aboo what else is wrong with the Grr, and solve those prooblooms, too.

That will be 4 pieces of Caaaandy.

OK Bye,
Stompy

9:58 PM  
Blogger allison said...

Wow, Bears, you show so much insight about the Grr that I am certain that you will be able to help many humoos with their problems.

I, of course, have no problems because I am in Canadia and we have health care.

10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bears!

I needs a bit o' help.

First probloo- do I do a Masters? I want to- but I've left it too late for this coming year methinks- besides, it's costoo and I'd like to get some pennies in a scholarship/bursaroo, and sort out good housoo, which takes time. That I can deal with- get a job and maybe my own housoo for the next year, then go back to Uni, yes? But which one? I loves my old Uni, and it has the Masters I want. But I'd love to go to Canadia too- see Allison and Mgoo and everyone! Plus family, I have family there...

2) the only boys who seem to like me are the ones I've lost interest in/don't like. There is a very cute guy though... then again, I gets very wigged by the prospect of a relationsoo, and runs awaaaaaaaaaay!

yours confoosedly, Dainty Bear.

p.s. will English toffee caaaandy do, as right now I'd like some too.

3:07 PM  
Blogger The Bears said...

Neyo, Dainty Bear!

English toffee caaaandy sounds loverloo!

We've been giving your probloos a lot of thought.

First, whether you should get your Master's, and how you will pay for it? Or whether you should going to Canadia? We asked Blinky, becoo he's really good at finding Jim's 'Merican 'Spress Card and paying for things, and Sargeant Mauja, becoo he's from Canadia.

Blinky: Neyo, Dainty Bear. I think you should get your Master's, becoo then you can write papers and articoos and help spread the word about the horroos of Bears' Baitoo. But there's no hurry. Jim didn't get his Master's until he was 30 or so, we think. Partly maybe becoo he's stoopid, but also we think it's becoo he did a lot of traveloo and stuff for most of his 20's. In terms of payin' for it, do you you have a Jim? Or someone like that who always seems to be hangoo aroo, but it's kinda okay becoo he's got a 'Merican 'Spress Card you can take?

Stompy: Dainty Bear is in Engloo.

Blinky: Oh, that's right. Well, someone with a Brit 'Spress Card, then? If not, we can look for Jim's 'Merican 'Spress to help you. But he's got it hid pretty well this time. That's why we're now working Bears.

Stompy: How about the trip to Canadia, Mauja?

Mauja: Oh, you should definitely go to Canadia, Dainty Bear, as soon and as oftoo as possiboo. You can visoo Jenn and Allisoo. And you will be close to the MooSA, so you can come visit us in Manhattoo. Just one thing--if you go to Canadia, and you meet a cat named Spike the Cat, cover your head and run awoo.

Thanks, Blinky and Mauja.

For the second question, the boys who like you are the ones you've lost interoo in, and the one you do think is cute makes you run awoo becoo relationshoo are scary. Let's check in with Calliope, who's had a long term relationshoo with Blinky.

Calliope: Boys you aren't interestoo in will alwoo chase you. As long as they aren't armed, it's not a probloo. And since you don't live in the MooSA, they probabloo aren't armed. In terms of being afroo or relationshoo, there's an easy solution for that. Do what I do with Blinky, and Jenn does with Jim. Just let your man talk and talk and talk. Men like to do that. It makes them all happy, and easy to convince to do things, if you let them do lots of talking. And by the time they get done talkoo, you are too worn out and sleepy to be afroo. And you can use the time when they' talking to do your nails or Master's thesis, like Jenn does, or sneak pieces of Blinky's caaaandy, like I do.

*much bouncing up and down of Blinky*

Calliope: What's that, Blinky Sweetie? Why, I'm sorry. Why don't we just sit over here, by your caaaandy dish, and you can 'splain to me why what I said isn't right.

Thanks for your help, Calliope.

I hope that answered your questions, Dainty Bear. That will be two pieces of English toffee caaaandy!

OK Bye
Stompy

5:21 PM  
Blogger julia said...

bears i have a proobloom. (and please excuse my use of english)

i was on vacation last week. i came back all sure i would work hard and be good. then yesterday i looked on my desk and noticed that my bowl was gone. now this wasn't a regular bowl, it was actually on that one of the clients made me. it was special.

so i said to my boss 'do you know where my bowl is'

and she said 'ummm well, it's being used'

so i said 'oh okay, for what?'

and she kinda mumbled and stumbled and then told me that the board of directors had given it to one of our departing board memboos on friday at the board meeting.

'oh' i said.

and then i had to sit really still for a while and not say anything.

then when we were driving home she said 'i know your upset and i'm sorry'.

so i asked her what happened. she said that they were talking about a gift, maybe some potteroo from a client' and they saw my bowl and said 'something like that'.

then she said 'why don't we just give her that one. i'm sure julia won't mind'.

so they did.

i called in sick today.

what should i doo?

7:23 PM  
Blogger The Bears said...

Neyo Julia. That's a bad probloom. That was very wrong of them to do. If someone took something of ours without asking us we would be very angry.

We asked Jim if that was normal behavior--he's used to working in offices--and he said no, it was horriboo. He had never heard of anyone thinking it was okay to just steal a personal belonging off someone's desk.

The hard thing is, it's one of the situations where there probabloo isn't any woo to make it right. It sounds like you can't get the bowl back, and you probabloo feel if you make too big a deal about it, everyone will think you are being difficult. The thing is, howevoo, what you have to decide is what will make you feel as good as possiboo about things, not what anyone else thinks is appropriate. So mayboo you will want to report the theft (it was a theft) to HR. And mayboo you will want to write your boss a letter or email telling her how you feel about the theft. (If you write her, you should use feel free to use the word theft when talking about what happened--you don't have to worry about her feelings, she didn't worry about yours). Or maybe you will want to talk with her--though we think maybe you should write her a letter or email before you talk to her, so she knows how you feel. Sometimes in conversations we don't say everything we need to, and then feel bad afterwards. So mayboo you should write her, and 'splain how you feel. You don't have to talk like Deadwood, and call her a Cocksuckoo and all. You can be polite, but very firm.

One thing you could do, if you really wanted to make a point, is set up a meeting in her office. And before leaving, pick up one of her possessions--nothing too expensive, but something personal--and say you are taking that. When she complains, or thinks you are joking, you can say you aren't asking her, anymore than she asked you before taking your things. And maybe now she knows what it feels like, and will think before taking things from people without their permission in the future. It is a big gesture, but it is a certainly justified option, if doing that is what will make you feel better. After a day or two, you can give it back to her, and say you hope she understands how it feels now.

On the other hand, also remember you don't have to be more upset than you are. Sometimes everyone tells you you have to this or you have to do that, and you start feeling guilty or weak if you don't do something big like everyone is telling you. But the important thing is to do what makes you feel better. You don't have to do any less or more than what you will make you feel as good as possiboo about what happened. So everything above are just options, and anything anyone says is just an option. You can pick whatever is good for you, and feel good about what you chose to do.

No caaaandy necessary.

*much nodding in agreement of Bears*

We're sorry.

OK Bye
Stompy

8:20 PM  
Blogger julia said...

thank yoooooo very moo bears.

*hugs*

9:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Neyo Bears!
Is Spike here. I have problems. My pet has problems.
My Pet is lazy. She sleeps all the time. Pet spends too much time at school. Pet spends too little time letting me bite her. She puts food away. She is knitting without letting me eat the yarn.
I want outside. I cry. I attack the screen to the window. I stalk the door. I aggress.
I will send special candy.
Spike the Spawnkitty

3:11 PM  
Blogger The Bears said...

Neyo Spike the Spawnkitty!

*much running off of Sargeant Mauja to hide*

A lazy pet is commoon. Look on the bright side. It's good when they don't move so quick, so you can bite them. It's not so good when they sooddenly move quick, and don't let you eat the yarn, or get out the door. And it sounds like you have a very troubloo screen on the window, and a troubloo door.

We asked Daphne Rose what she thought you should do.

Daphne Rose: Hello, Spike the Sweetiekitty. *blows kiss* If your pet is being lazy, you need to bite her more, and do things to keep her on her toes, like eat her possessions, and eat her other possessions. Especially if you stand across the room from her, and eat something out of reach. That will make her get up and not be lazy. Maybe it's good if she goes to school sometimes. Gives you time to plot what to eat when she gets home, and how to run outside when she isn't looking. We certainly suppoo you in your efforts to get outsoo. But to be honest, we're not quite sure why you want to get out. Inside you have pet to bite, and yarn to try to get awoo from her, and things to eat, like caaaandy. Please 'splain why you want to be outsoo, and we can help you more. Good luck, Sweetiekitty.

Thanks, Daphne Rose.

That will be one piece of caaaandy.

OK Bye
Stompy

10:25 PM  
Blogger Leone said...

Neyo Bears!

I have a problem. Recently, Spike has taken to biting me a lot more and when I am trying to sleep at night in my bedroom he starts eating my possessions in the living room. What should I do? At least his attempts to get out the door are less frequent.

Thanks Bears!
~Leone

12:12 PM  
Blogger The Bears said...

Neyo Leone,

I thought Sargeant Mauja might be the best to help you. Mauja? Leone has a question about Spike the Cat.

*much covering his head and running away and hiding of Mauja*

Uh... Let me check with the other Bears and we'll figoo out who will be the most help.

OK Bye
Stompy

1:49 PM  
Blogger The Bears said...

Neyo Leone. This is Spike the Bear. Stompy said you needed some help with Spike the Cat.

Maybe, when Spike the Cat is going to bite you, you could give him tuna. Then he will be happy, and not bite you.

And, when you're sleeping, and Spike the Cat is eating your possessions in the livoo room, you could get up and give him tuna.

That way, you will be happy, becoo you will be teaching Spike the Cat that he doesn't have to bite you and eat things for long, becoo whenevoo he does things like that he gets tuna.

And Spike the Cat will be happy, becoo he will get lots of tuna.

It's a woo-woo!

OK Bye
Spike the Bear

9:42 PM  
Blogger Coral said...

Dear Bears,
Yes, alas, I too have a problem. There are many single potential mates around right now. They are all juicy and vibrantly delightful in their special ways. How does one choose a potential mate, when they all display their finest tailfeathers for perusal and put on the charm? I am bedazzled!
Oh do help my decide bears, please.

1:26 AM  
Blogger Coral said...

Dear Bears,
Yes, alas, I too have a problem. There are many single potential mates around right now. They are all juicy and vibrantly delightful in their special ways. How does one choose a potential mate, when they all display their finest tailfeathers for perusal and put on the charm? I am bedazzled!
Oh do help my decide bears, please.

1:29 AM  
Blogger The Bears said...

Neyo Coroo!

Why do you have to choose just one mate? Mates are like caaaandy, there are many forms and shapes and sizes of deliciousness. Why not just treat all those mates with their yummy tailfeathers like a big box of assorted caaaandy, all just waiting to be sampled?

And after sampling a while, maybe you'll find you do have a favoroo. But even if you don't find a favoroo right away, what a fun way to search.

Good tasting!

OK Bye
Daphne Rose

10:23 AM  

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