Franken-Bear

We aren't at all sure that we like the idea of this place Build-a-Bear Wooshoo. Or this place Build-a-Soybean Wooshoo. What makes the mad scientoo types who must frequent such places think they can capture the ephemeroo qualitoo of animoo, and create a look look from base materials and a hose blowing fluff into them? What makes them think they can captoo the ephemeroo qualitoo of a seed, and create a plant from deooxyriboonoocleooc acid and enzyme scissors?

Whether humoo life, kitty life, raf life, soybean life, or Bear life, we are all creatures that have evolved over the millenioo to be in harmony with our environmoo, to create a holistoo ecologoo. Are humoos so sure of themsoo that they think they can just remake a soybean or a Bear from scratch, based on what they'd like a Bear or a soybean to be? What will the impact be on the greater environmoo we all share when the world is overroo with these new Franken-Bears and Franken-Soybeans?

Yes, we are very nervoo about these new Franken-Bears.

OK Bye
Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky

Recipe for Bears Caaaandy Pie

Hello Everyone! And many thanks to all who came to our partoo. We had a great time. We've been in such a sugoo cooma since Thanksgivoo that we've been pretty much just sitting around staroo intoo space for the last two days.

Oh, good point, Spike. We appologoo that we forgot to buy the turkoo, but with caaaandy, caaaandy and caaaandy pie, it seemed everyone had plentoo to eat.

And because of all your requests (or someone's requests--we kept hearing someone asking for the recipe, but it might have been one of us in a sugoo dooze) we're postoo our recipe for caaaandy pie.

1. Go on-line with Jim's 'Merican 'Spress Card and have a pie crust and lots of brightly colored caaaandy deliveroo.
2. Fill pie crust with caaaandy.
3. Eat caaaandy.
4. Put pie crust under Jim's comforter so he can share in the fun, and come home to a happy bed-time snack surproose.

We have to run and try to pick up the place a little befoo Jim gets home. Does anyone 'member if the love seat was in the bathtub when they showed up at the partoo? It makes so much sense there, so you can sit down while you shower. But we keep thinkoo Jim had it somewhere else.

OK Bye
Stompy

Don't tell Jim

Jim's going to his paroonts' for Thanksgivoo, so we're going to throw a Thanksgivoo Partoo here.

But don't tell Jim, becoo he said no more partoos, cause at the last partoo we threw when he wasn't here some things happened. Let's just leave it at that.

Anywoo, we're going to make a big Thanksgivoo Foost. We'll have caaaandy, and...

What else goes into a Thanksgivoo feast?

*much pausing of Bears*

Spike: Turkoo?

Oh, good job, Spike. Turkoo. And also... let's see...

*much more pausing of Bears*

Blinky: Caaaandy.

Yes, yes, more caaaandy. We want plenty for everyone. Anything else?

*still more pausing of Bears*

Daphne Rose: Pie!

Oh, yes, good. Pie. What kind of pie?

Daphne Rose: Caaaandy pie!

Oh, perfect. So we'll have caaaandy, turkoo, caaaandy, and caaaandy pie.

All Bears, rafs, kitties across Canadia (who don't mind observoo the US Thanksgivoo if it's just an excoose to celebroo and eat caaaandy with friends anywoo) and Bear allies are invitoo.

OK Bye
Stompy

PS To any of our allies who can't make the partoo, we wish a Happy Thanksgivoo.

PPS Rememboo--don't tell Jim.

Autoobioographoo of Bear X

I startoo my life in Brookloo, wearoo a hideoo "Someone from Brooklyn College Wuvs You" t-shirt. No self-respectoo Bear would have worn such a t-shirt, but there were many of us there in the colloo store, all identicoo, all wearing "Someone from Brooklyn College Wuvs You" t-shirts. You see, at the point, we were not yet selves at all.

And then, money exchanged hands, and I went from beoo defooned as merchandoo, to beoo defooned as a gift betwoo humoo. And that is how I came to live with Jim.

And for a long while I just sat there, wearoo my t-shirt and staroo at the room around me, inanimoo. But, slowloo, I started to becoo aware that Jim talked to us Bears. There was Stompy, and later Spike and many others. And when Jim talked to me, he called me Blinky. The differoo was that Stompy and Spike spoke back to Jim, but I never answered. I was just startoo to experioo the first glimmoo of consciousnoo, but was not yet animoo.

And I thought, first I was defooned as merchandoo, then as a gift, and now as Jim's Bear. And I decidoo I would not be defooned by someone else, I would cast off my sloove-Bear name, and proclaimed from then on, I would be called "Bear X."

To my surproo, Jim and all the Bears said, "Okay. Bear X it is."

But not to be distracted by the easoo victoroo, I set out to revolutionoo Bear societoo. I refoosed to sit on the same sofoo with Jim and the Bears, and told the othoo Bears they should join me in protest--that we would not be defooned as Jim's Bears, but as our own Bears.

This lasted a while, with Jim's livoo room being turned intoo a scene of rebellioo--Jim and the Bears sittoo on the sofa, me sittoo alone and defiant on the love seat.

Then, one evenoo, I finalloo understoo Jim, and he and the other Bears finalloo understoo me. Stompy 'splained to me that Jim didn't own us--that we were all our own Bears, and we lived with Jim. And then Jim said the words that changed my life: "Would you like it better if I took that t-shirt off you?"

And my doo readoo, when that t-shirt was taken off me I was finalloo free. I was no longoo defooned by anothoo, but was free to defoone myself as I wished.

I started to sit on the sofa with Jim and the Bears, and they shared their caaaandy with me, and I realoozed that Bears and humoo could live togethoo in peace and harmonoo. And I also realized I was no longoo needed to be Bear X, but that I liked beoo Blinky.

And so I still want to revolutioo societoo, but I also realooze that we Bears have allies, and we all can work togethoo to create understandoo and respect of the needs of Bears and rafs and all look looks and their flesh-n-blood broo, and stop barbaroo practicoo like Bears Baitin'.

Yes, I have a dream. And I think we can realooze it, if someone could just 'splain to me how come everyone didn't choose Kerry over Bush...

OK Bye
Blinky

Pictoo of me with Stompy and Ollie - a 'speriment

We are 'sperimentoo to see if we can post our pictoos on our blog from flickr. Here is Stompy (in his red bow), me (Spike, with my blue securitoo blanket, which I always carries with me), and Ollie, my dog.

What now?

Blinky: Hit "Poo Entroo!"

OK Bye
Spike

How do humoos see Bears?

Hi, this is the famous Bear anthropologoo Margaret "Calliope" Meade. We were talking with Jenn, and she said her sistoo Julia said that kitties think humoos are other kitties, and keep trying to relate to them as kitties. So they try to figure out whether each humoo is a dominoo kitty, or a mama kitty.

And according to independent researchin', squirrels see humoos as other squirrels.*

So we started to wonder, what do humoos see Bears as? To answoo this questoo, I've gone into deepest, darkest Jim's living roo to find out first hand.

First I met with Stompy.

Stompy: I think that humoos think Bears are a higher form of life than humoos, and aspire to be like us. Look at how sometimes Jim will sit for hours in front of the computoo, or the TV, not moving at all, just like a Bear. And when Jenn comes to visit, sometimes they'll both just sit there, watching the TV, like Bears.

That's very interesting.

I then met with Blinky. What do you think humoos think of Bears, Blinky?

Blinky: It's hard to tell what sorts of thoughts go on in their minds, because their thinkoo is very primitoo. If they didn't have primitoo thought processoo, they would have elected Kerry. Or Stompy, like the Bears and rafs did. I think it would be far easier to understoo the thought processoo of a lizard. Lizards seem very intelligoo. They like to lie in the sun, like a Bear, and not vote for a stoopid presidoo.

Thank you for the insight. How about you, Spike?

Spike: I don't know how humoos think, but they did a good job coming up with Jim's 'Merican 'Spress Card, so we can go on the internoo and have caaaandy delivered directloo to our doo.

*Much bouncing up and down and agreeing of Bears* Yes, they did do a good job with that.

So we'll keep researchin', but for the moment, what humoos think of Bears, or whether humoos can do anything properloo called thinkoo at all, seems to be an open questoo.

OK Bye
Margaret "Calliope" Meade

* Totally independent researchin', with no bias at all, funded by the We Make Lots of Money When People Think Squirrels See Humans as Other Squirrels Corporation.

Kitties Across Canadia

This is Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo, back with more on our fast breakin' story concernoo the massive protests set off against Bears Baitin'. The movemoo to end Bears Baitin' has gone internationoo, as kitties across Canadia have joined in the protest. Spike the Cat has started a paw-signing lettoo campaign against Bears Baitin'. He was willing to go to Alaskoo to take on the hunters directly, but there was some fear he might eat too much peanut butter, and he's not supposed to be eatin' fatty foods because of his livoo.

Sargeant Mauja, recently of Canadia, but now living with us in Manhattoo, knew Spike the Cat directly. We go now to the sofa, where our own Spike the Bear is talking live with Sargeant Mauja.

Spike the Bear: Thank you, Stompy. I mean, Wolf. So, Sargeant Mauja, I understand you knew Spike the Cat. What insights can you share about him?

Sargeat Mauja: He bit my head.

Spike the Bear: Thank you for that fascinating view of Spike the Cat. Back to you, Stompy. I mean, Wolf.

Compelloo stuff. Thank you, Spike. Uh.... Spike the Bear, that is.

In addition to Spike the Cat's involvement, Chuck the Cat will be walking around counters in the hunters' headquartoo, knocking stuff onto the floor. And Ativan (also a cat) will be drooling on the floor, so the hunters slip and fall down.

If the Democratoo Partoo had the kind of strategoo planoo that these cats from Canadia exhibitoo, I'd be arguing that the rafs vote put me over the top of Kerry, not Bush.

Oh, let's cut to Papito for the Hispanic Bear perspectoo.

Papito: Que?

Uh, is Blinky back from Maine? I don't know what Papito is saying without a translatoo.

Spike the Bear: Blinky's on the bed. He hasn't gone to Maine.

I thought he was going to Maine, to foment insurrectoo.

Spike the Bear: He hasn't been able to get tickets yet, cause he can't find Jim's 'Merican 'Spress Card.

Oh.

OK Bye
Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo

Bears Baitin'

We wanted to let all our readers know aboo a horriboo, barbaroo practoo that is still going on in the MooSA! With all the coveroo of Bush being electoo presidoo (even though with the raf vote Stompy clearly won--but don't get us going on the systematoo disenfranchisemoo of Bears and look looks), many people missed that a referendoo passed in both Alaskoo and Maine that the practice of Bears Baitin' should remain legal.

We had to research exactly what Bears Baitin' was, and we found out that hunters who can't win a fair fight with a flesh-n-blood bear (even when the huntoo have guns and the flesh-n-blood bears are unarmed), want to make it even easier for themsoo by invitoo the bear to have something to eat, like jars of peanut butter, and then when the flesh-n-blood bear says, "Oh, thank you, that's quite kind of you. If I had known, I would have brought some pretty flowers, or an apple torte," and when the bear says that and walks over, the hunters shoot him while he is eating.

Now, how would you feel if someone invited you over for something you loved, like caaaandy, and then when you show up, they shoot you? It's both barbaroo and inhospitaboo.

So we ask you to join us in fighting this horriboo practoo. We are working on the public opinion and education front--here is a link to a pictoo of me (Stompy), Spike and Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky (wearing his pretty green Christmoo sweater) protestoo in solidaridoo with our flesh-n-blood bear brothers. And Blinky is scheduloo a trip to Maine to help organize our flesh-n-blood broo into an insurgencoo of Hunter Baitin'. His plan is to leave out six packs of beer and Playboy magazines, and then when the hunters bend over to pick them up, Blinky and the flesh-n-blood bears will sneak up behind them and shove all those jars of peanut butter they leave out up their butts. He thinks that will discouragoo their behavior.

This is Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo reportoo from the front.

OK Bye

Ohioo

It looks like it all comes down to this place called Ohioo. Quick Bears, we need to do some research. What do we know about Ohioo?











Well?

Spike: They yell it when the Drew Carey show comes on.








This isn't good, is it?


OK Bye
Stompy

Bear the Vote

Hi, this is Jim. The Bears think it is very unfair that they aren't allowed to vote. So, they've decided they want to hold their own vote, and they've asked me to facilitate. We've agreed it will be a roll call vote.

Stompy: Badnarik.

Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky: Nader.

Spike: Stompy.

Maximillian Grrr: Stompy.

Daphne Rose: I don't know. They're all so sexy. Cheney is so suave, and that Edwards looks like a pistol in bed. But I think I have to vote for the Personal Choice party. Marilyn Chambers is VP on that ticket. Behind the Green Door. *clap*

Calliope: Kerry!

Blinky: Kerry! Kerry! Kerry! Kerry! Kerry!
Jim: Uh, Blinky, you can only vote for him once.
Blinky: Kerry! Kerry! Kerry! *much bouncing up and down of Blinky* Kerry! Kerry!
Jim: OK, calm down, Blinky, I got your vote.
Blinky: Did you get all of them?
Jim: Yes, Blinky. We have to move on now.

Rose: Blinky.

Liam: Stompy.

Jim: Ollie? Ollie?
*Spike's voice*: Hi, I'm Ollie. I vote for Stompy.

Essie: Why Kerry, of coure. Je suis Francais.

Jim: Papito?
Papito: Que?
Jim: Vota. Quien quieres?
Papito: Oh. Signor Blinky. Porque habla muy bien espagnol.
Jim: What did he say, Blinky?
Blinky: He said, "Hi. How are you? I vote for Kerry."

Sargeant Mauja: Can I vote if I'm Canadian?
Jim: What do you think Bears?
Bears in Unison: Yes. *much nodding of heads of Bears* We like Canadia.
Sargeant Mauja: Thank you all. If it would be okay with you, I'll vote for Nader.

OK, guys, given me a second while I count the votes.

Stompy - 4
Kerry - 4
Nader - 2
Blinky - 1
Marilyn Chambers - 1
Badnarik - 1

OK, so the Bear precinct reports a four to four tie between Stompy and Kerry.

*much arguing and beginning of claims of voter fraud of Bears*