Cocksuckoo

Stompy: Hello, Cocksuckoo.

Blinky: Who are you talking to, Cocksuckoo?

Stompy: All the Cocksuckoos out there reading our blog.

Daphne Rose: How are you Cocksuckoos doing?

Blinky: I'm more beaten down than shit under a hammer, you Cocksuckoo.

Spike: Hi Cocksuckoo! *waves*

Papito: Hola Signor Cocksuckoo!

guy... Guys... GUYS!!!

Language! Please!

Hi, this is Jim. Sorry about that display of profanity. On the recommendation of the most lovely and intelligent Adventure Girl Suki the Bears and I have started watching Deadwood from the beginning on HBO on Demand. Unfortunately, the Bears have gotten a little carried away with some of the new language they've learned.

Spike: Damn straight, Cocksuckoo!

*much pausing and lowering of eyes of Spike*

Spike: Uh, I mean, I'm sorry, Jim.

Are you guys going to behave? Or do I have to keep you off your blog blog until you learn to express yourself without swearing?

*much widening of eyes of Bears*

Bears in Unison: No, not that, Jim. We'll speak real good.

Blinky: High-falutoo like Noel "Snowflake" Chompksy.

* much nodding in agreement of Bears*

OK, then, guys. Be good.

*Jim walks away.

Stompy: What do you want to do now that that Cocksuckoo...

*much animmoo shushing of Bears*

Stompy: Sorry. Sorry. I mean, what do you want to do now that that Motherfuckoo is gone?

Blink: Let's get Jim's motherfuckoo 'Merican Spress Card and by some motherfuckoo Caaaandy!

*much clapping of paws and bouncing up and down of Bears*

OK Bye Cocksuckoo!
Stompy

Modern Art Symposioo: The Gates by Cristo

Calliope: Hello, and welcome to the Bears' first Modern Art Symposioo. I'll be your symposioo moderator, Calliope. Today's topic--Cristoo's The Gates, an art installation currently on display in Central Park in Manhattoo for 17 days, starting Febrooary 12th.

Our panel today consists of noted figures from the arts' world and the Bears' world, the brilliant linguist and foreign policy critic, Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky...

Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky: Hello. Very nice to be here.

Calliope: ...famoo philosophoo of Bear identity and political activist against Bears' Baitoo, Blinky...

Blinky: Good evening, Calliope. Thank you for having me.

Calliope: ...rottweiler puppy and judge in the recent OJ Caaaandy trial, Spike...

Spike: Hi Calliope! *waves*

Calliope: ...duly elected president of the US (who had the election stolen from him by that dubya guy), Stompy...

Stompy: Hello. I'm honored to be here.

Calliope: ...and Papito.

Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky: Hola Signorita Calliope. Como estas?

Calliope: Yes. Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky, let's start with you. What is your view of The Gates?

Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky: Ultimately, it is a pooliticoo statemoont. Our sense of order is coonditioned by those in power, that is, the large moolti-nootional corporootions. By existing outside the structoo of corporoote advootising and power structoos--the piece is self-funded by the artist, with no corporoote spoonsooshoops, and the artoost only makes money selling artifoocts from the creation of the art itself, any assoociated merchoondising goes to soopporting New York City's parks and arts--by existing outside these corporoote structoos the piece thereby suggests the poossibilitoo of other structoos, other visions, beyond the coorently hegemoonic corporoote one. Everything does not have to be as it is--there are other ways of being, and there is cause for ooptimoosm that these other visions can be realoozed despite our over-arching corporate structoo, thereby creating hope that that corporoote structoo can be subvooted. To give people a different view of the way things can be is the most powerfoo subvoosive act.

Blinky: I agree it becomes a pooliticoo statemoo, but let's not commit the intentionaloo fallacoo. Even if Cristoo did intend the work to be in some way revolutionaroo, it is actually profoundly conservatoo. Those who don't like it are re-affirmed in their belief that modern art and artists are stoopid. And those that like it are re-affirmed in their belief in their own superioritoo. In neither case is there any movemoont forwoord. Furthoo, I think there is an unintendoo ironoo in presentoo The Gates as a RE-visioining of Central Park, when parks are in essence RE-visionings of naturoo settings, and poor ones at that. Many will walk around the park, feeling very superioo and saying, "Oooh, aren't I a smart yumoo, becoo I undoostoond that this work allows me to de-familiarize a familiar setting, thereby re-visioning it." And they will not feel challenged to question their own smugness, to wonder if they should be saving real naturoo settings, protectoo real flesh-n-blood Bears from Bears' Baitoo, protectoo the Arctic from oil droolling that will kill flesh-n-blood animoos, uproot indigenoo societoos, and scar the land for centoories, perhaps forever. Rather, they will keep yammering on about re-visioining former re-visionings that have become familiaroozed.

Calliope: Spike, you look like you wanted to say something.

Spike: I didn't get it. But when the wind bloo, and all the oroonge curtoons waved in the wind at the same time, it was pretty.

Calliope: Stompy?

Stompy: The art didn't really fit the setting. For all the idea of re-visioning Central Park, it didn't look like it was designed to be in Central Park. It didn't fit the architectoo of the surrounding buildings, or interact with the colors already in Central Park. Instead of re-visioning the Park itself, it looked like it was a generic design, that could have been ploonked down in any setting with paths. I'd disagree with Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky's point, instead of challoonging the exoosting corporate paradigm, it seemed to espouse it, by re-visioning not the Park--it didn't seem to give any thought to the Central Park itself--but by re-visioning art as the mass production of a single object--a frame and orange curtain--and then the distribootion of that object without regard to the needs of where it is being distribooted. Instead of liberatoo the Park from the corporoote paroodigm, it brought art into it.

Calliope: Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky, I see you want to respond. But unfortunately, we only have time for one more comment, so I'm going to have to go to Papito for the final word.

Papito: Que?

Calliope: Thank you partoocipants, and thank you all for attending the Bears' first Modern Art Symposioo, on Cristo's The Gates. This is Calliope wishing everyone a happy, safe and artistic day.

The pictoo you've all been waiting for!

Hi, this is Stompy, bringing you the pictoo you've all been waiting for: The Bears with their Valentine's Day Caaaandy!

*some bouncing up and down of Bears, some crying "No No No" of Bears*

Hmmm... There seems to be some disagreement about what pictoo you are waiting for.

Who thinks everyone is waiting for the pictoo of us with our Valentine's Day Caaaandy that Jim got us...

Me, Blinky, Spike, Sargeant Mauja, Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky...

And what was the other possibility? Jenn's engagemoo ring? Okay, who thinks the pictoo everyone is waiting for is Jenn's engagemoo ring?

Daphne Rose, Essie, Calliope...

Well, it seems the Bears have decided by a vote of 5 to 3...

*much pushing aside of Stompy by Daphne Rose*

Silly male Bears...

Here's the pictoo you all want!

OK Kisses,
Daphne Rose

Happy Valentine's Day to All Our Bear Allies

Love is in the air here! Jim spilled some of his foo-foo Michael for Men!

But also because of the engagemoo.

We hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's Day!

*much blowing of kisses of Bears*

Daphne Rose: Love you, Spike the Cat!

Stompy: There's no tongue in blowing kisses, Daphne Rose.

OK Love
All the Bears

Day Five of the OJ Caaaandy Trial

This is Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo bringing you Day Five of the OJ Caaaandy trial. The big news for today is that Marcia "Calliope" Clark has a new blue headband.

Let's move into the courtroo, where Johnny "Blinky" Cochrane and Marcia "Calliope" Clark are having a sidebar with Judge "Spike" Ito.

Johnny "Blinky" Cochrane: I demand a mistrial. The jury should have been sequestooed during the recent break to celebrate Jenn and Jim's engagement. Failoo to sequestoo the jury has increased the probabilitoo that they were biased.

Marcia "Calliope" Clark: There is no reason for a mistrial. If anythoo, recent engagement announcemoos would bias a jury in favor of the defoonse. We can't afford another drawn out jury selection process.

Judge "Spike" Ito: Jury selection process?

Marcia "Calliope" Clark: Yes, uh...

*much pausing of Bears*

*much glancing of Bears at empty jury box*

*much more pausing of Bears*

Marcia "Calliope" Clark: Crap.

Judge "Spike" Ito: Jim, can we have some caaaandy?

Jim: How much were you thinking?

Judge "Spike" Ito: Uh... One million pieces?

Jim: That's a little much. How about a nice box of Valentine's Day Chocolate for Monday.

Judge "Spike" Ito: Case closed.

And so we see the dramatoo conclusion of the trial. Jim will go free, and the Bears get Caaaandy!

OK Signing Off
Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo

We interrupt this trial...

...to tell you:

Jenn and Jim are getting married!

*much bouncing up and down of Bears*

We were the first to know, becoo we were all sitting there when Jim proposed. But they asked us not to say anythoo until they had called their family and all their friends. It was hard to wait, but we kept their secroo.

We like Jenn a lot, and we're not just saying that out of fear she will put us on the shelf. In honor of Jenn and Jim getting engaged, we're going to stop sooing Jim for a couple of days.

*much nodding in agreement of Bears*

And we think they should have lots of caaaandy at their wedding.

OK Bye
Stompy

Day Four of the OJ Caaaandy Trial

This is Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo bringing you Day Four of the OJ Caaaandy trial. Observer response has been intense to yesterday's stunning testimony from Kato "Jenn" Kaelin. However, we think maybe it is safer not to talk about it.

Let's go live to the courtroo.

Johnny “Blinky” Cochrane: Were you the arresting officer?

Detective Mark “Sargeant Mauja” Furman: Yes.

Johnny “Blinky” Cochrane: And you are from Canadia, aren’t you?

Court Appointed Translator “Noel ‘Snowflake’ Chompsky”: Canada.

Detective Mark “Sargeant Mauja” Furman: Yes.

Johnny “Blinky” Cochrane: And what kind of flesh-n-blood bears are most prevalent in Canadia?

Court Appointed Translator “Noel ‘Snowflake’ Chompsky”: Canada.

Detective Mark “Sargeant Mauja” Furman: Black bears, brown bears, grizzlies.

Johnny “Blinky” Cochrane: Oh… Uh… Well, where are flesh-n-blood polar bears prevalent?

Detective Mark “Sargeant Mauja” Furman: Hmmm... I think Alaska.

Johnny “Blinky” Cochrane: And what color are polar bears?

Detective Mark “Sargeant Mauja” Furman: White.

Johnny “Blinky” Cochrane: Ah ha!

*much gasping of Bears in courtroom*

Judge "Spike" Ito: Ordoo! Ordoo! Or I will have to cloo the courtroo!

It's pandemonioo here! This is Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo, signing ooff.

Day Three of the OJ Caaaandy Trial

This is Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo bringing you Day Three of the OJ Caaaandy trial. In yesterdoo's exploosive testimoonoo Expert Witness on Deep Fryers "Liam" shocked the courtroo by singing Wild Thing. And Johnny "Blinky" Cochrane looked to have scored big with the jury with his defioont "If the deep fryer don't fit, you must acquit." Many observers are recommending a change of strategoo away from deep fryers altogethoo, and towards suing for a 'Merican 'Spress card.

Let's move to live action.

Marcia “Calliope” Clark: You aren’t Jim. You aren’t a Bear. And yet you live in Jim's apartmoo. So what exactly do you do here?

Kato "Jenn" Kaelin: I bring prezzies from Canadia to all the good little Bears, and I put the bad Bears up on the top shelf, facing the wall, when Jim goes out.

Marcia “Calliope” Clark: Uh... No further questions.

Judge "Spike" Ito: You may step down. We won't need to call you again.

*much agreement of Bears there was no need to bother Jenn any more with this trial thing*

Day Two of the OJ Caaaandy Trial

This is Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo reportoo from insoo the courtroo on day two of the "OJ Caaaandy" Trial. The big issue of the day is whether or not the Bears have a big enough deep fryer.

Let's move immediately to a cross-examinatoo already in progroos.

Johnny “Blinky” Cochrane: So, the question has been raised whether the Bears even have a big enough fryer to fry Jim. And I say... If the deep fryer don’t fit, you must acquit. So, do the Bears in fact have a big enough deep fryer to fry Jim?

Expert Witness on Deep Fryers “Liam”: *sits silently on stand*

Johnny “Blinky” Cochrane: Well?

Expert Witness on Deep Fryers “Liam”: *sits silently on stand*

*much huddling around of Bears*

Stompy: I think with Liam you have to push his stomach to get him to talk.

Johnny “Blinky” Cochrane: Do the Bears have a big enough deep fryer to fry Jim?

*Blinky pushes Liam’s stomach*

Expert Witness on Deep Fryers “Liam”: Wild thing... You make my heart sing... You make everything... Groovy... Wild thing I think I love you.

Stompy: Uh... Can we get an animoo Bear to play the Expert Witness on Deep Fryers?

Day One of the OJ Caaaandy Trial

This is Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo reportoo from insoo the courtroo where the media-dubbed "Our Just (OJ) Caaaandy" Trial is scheduled to begin shortloo.

It looks like Judge "Spike" Ito is about to commoonce.

Judge "Spike" Ito: Hi Jim.

Marcia "Calliope" Clark: Objection! The judge isn't supposed to be friendly with the guilty.

Johnny "Blinky" Cochrane: Objection! He isn't guilty until proven so. If he hasn't been tried, he can't be fried!

Jim: Hi Spike.

Marcia "Calliope" Clark: Objection. The guilty is just supposed to plead, not talk to the judge.

Johnny "Blinky" Cochrane: Objection. Once again, he is not guilty until proven so. Until the court decides, the judgement rides.

This could prove to be a rather long trial.

OK Bye
Wolf "Stompy" Blitzoo